Greek Mythology in a Nutcase
by Fusionmix
Summary: What it says on the tin.


Feel free to hang me, k?

By the way, I spell Uranus' name as Ouranos, which is what it ought to have been before brain-dead astronomers decided to westernize it.

* * *

At the very beginning of Time itself, even before Hera and Zeus had their first fight, some random giant beings magically birthed a pile of Titans.

These random giant beings Ouranos and Gaia were lovers, and their Titan offspring were really freaking ugly unlike their supermodel parents. This was because Gaia was technically Ouranos' mom, but Ouranos was just that kind of guy and so his kids were more inbred than the Pharoahs.

Anyway, Gaia was getting kind of sick of Ouranos' penchant for turning the lights out and showing up to...uh...make more Titans...at the most inopportune of moments. "Ouranos, GAWD, I'm so sick of this! All you do is take! You're so insensitive! What's in this relationship for me?"

"SHUT UP AND HAVE MY BABIES, WOMAN."

She whacked him with the flat side of a sickle which happened to be lying around. "NO YOU SHUT UP."

"NO U"

Overcome by her own fury, Gaia threw the sickle into a corner and broke the coffee maker. "You're such a loser! I never want to see you again! And if you want kids so bad then stop locking up the ones you have underground. Their ugliness comes from your genes, not mine."

"BUT MY GENES ARE YOUR GENES, YOU STUPID BITCH."

"Stop being technical!"

Ouranos pouted and stamped His Heavenly Foot. "If you're so great, how come you don't have a planet named after you a zillion years in the future?"

"Actually, dear, I do, it's translated to 'Earth', and it happens to be the best planet in the entire Solar System. While yours, on the other hand, makes children giggle with its name; and is a glob of blue gas that tilts the wrong way, which is just gay."

"You're just gay!" And with that mature comment, Ouranos stamped off.

Gaia, sick of his constant petulant outbursts, called her slightly-less-ugly son Kronos in and handed him the sickle from earlier. "Chop THEM off and chuck them in the sea. You know what I'm talking about."

Kronos giggled manly-ly and waltzed off to do as he was told, a task that left Ouranos wallowing around on the ground while Kronos tossed his father's severed family jewels into the sea. From them sprang Aphrodite, but we aren't really sure we want to know how that happened.

Following the impromptu operation, Ouranos mellowed out and stopped showing up at inopportune moments. He and Gaia got along famously, until Kronos decided to rebel and start acting like a total jerk. "Dear, this isn't working out with our son," said Gaia to her husband one day.

"I agree," agreed Ouranos. "Hold on, I'm picking up a prophesy." He tuned the radio.

"LATE BREAKING NEWS! KRONOS WILL BE PWNED BY HIS SON WHO WILL IN TURN TAKE OVER RULERSHIP OF THE GODS!"

"Well, fie." Gaia said. "I do hope nothing bad comes of this."

"WELL POOP." Kronos said. "Hmm, what could I possibly do to prevent this?"

Rhea, Kronos's wife-and-totally-not-sister fluttered her eyelashes. "Honeeeeeeey, I'm pregnant agaaaaaaaaaain..."

"Zeus (who's not born yet) DANG it, woman! That's the seventh time. Start taking the Pill or something!"

"Not invented yet."

"Plan B!"

"Also not..."

"Oh screw it I'll just eat the children."

"Wait, what?"

Many counts of cannibalism later, Kronos missed out on eating his latest snack...I mean son...as Rhea hid the baby. Zeus grew up and gave Divine Ipecac to Kronos, who barfed up the miraculously intact other children. Zeus then rallied them all and had his abusive father and the Titans locked up in Tartarus, which was like Alcatraz for evil deities.

Then Zeus got married to Hera. And then he got...not-married...to Metis. Unfortunately, he heard some more bad news on the Radio of Prophesy.

"LATE BREAKING NEWS! ZEUS WILL BE PWNED BY HIS CHILD WHO WILL BE EVEN MORE AWESOME THAN HIM!"

"Dear Olympus, not this again. Can't those stupid mortal bards come up with any original plots?" But because Zeus wasn't feeling original either, he ate Metis in hopes of her unborn child dying. Because, again, this wasn't 1973 and Roe and Wade hadn't had their chat. See, it was a good chat, because otherwise too many people would simply eat their kids instead of more humanely pulping and then extracting their bloody fetal sub-human remains.

Unfortunately, Zeus ended up with an awful headache and called his buddy Hephaestus over. "Hey, Heph, got any Advil?"

"Not inven..."

"Whatever, just whack me in the head with your axe, I'm sure that'll fix my headache."

"No prob, bro."

And out popped Athena from his head in full battle gear.

Hera tapped her foot. "ZEUSY-WEUSY, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?"

A few feet away from the others on Mount Olympus, Hephaestus's wife Aphrodite was busy mooning over Ares, who was making manly poses and tossing his gorgeous raven locks around. "Hey baby," he said in his sexeh, sexeh voice. "Check out my SPEAR. It's TEN FEET LONG. And I can stab MOUNTAINS with it."

Aphrodite sighed melodramatically.

"Ares, you prick, get yo' eyes off my girl!" Hephaestus waved his axe threateningly.

"Whatever, blacksmith boy. You're just jealous because I'M one of the nine planets and you AREN'T."

Hephaestus snorted. "Mars? Ain't that a candy bar?"

Aphrodite giggled. "omigod dats teh most lamest name evar lol never new dat abut u, ares u hunk rofl"

Ares began to sniffle. "Don't make fun of my Roman name! *sniffle sniffle* STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES BUT...BUT...WORDS WILL ALWAYS HURT MEEEEEeee *sob sob sob*"

"um, liek, wow d00d" said Aphrodite to Hephaestus. "wan 2 cyber?"

"I'm your husband. I'ma standin' right here."

"o rite lol sry"

"Come to think of it, Aphrodite, your Roman name ain't so hot either."

"liek venus whaaaaaat i luv mi nam u loser"

"HEY ZEUS!" shrieked Hera abruptly. "WHY DON'T I GET A PLANET NAMED AFTER ME? THAT LITTLE SLUT GETS ONE AND YOU GET ONE AND I DON'T?"

"SHUT UP WOMAN," Zeus countered, showing his grandaddy's now-chopped-off genes still ran in the family.

Hera shook a ladle at him. "NO YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO U"

Zeus' brother Poseidon the sea-god abruptly stuck his head out of the swimming pool. "Hey, bro, what's up?"

Hades, who was visiting for the weekend, lifted his gothic eyes from his gothic nails and gothic black leather shirt and, ran his gothic fingers through his gothic hair. He was lonely down in the Underworld since his girlfriend Persephone had left him for spring and summer as was her custom. "Omigod," he whined tragically. "Please stop arguing. It hurts me inside..."

"I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!" sobbed Ares, who had stubbed his toe and was swathing his entire leg from the knee down in bandages.

"haha u both hav dum planit namz"

With a moan of despair, Hades cried tears of blood. "I'm not even a planet anymore. Now I'm just Pluto. A Disney dog. Or an anime character. In a miniskirt. OH WHY DOES LIFE HATE ME SO!"

Ares embraced him and together they wept manly-ly, tears of salt and tears of crimson regret mingling with chagrin on the cobblestones.

"I like my planet name," said Poseidon helpfully.

Meanwhile, someplace else, Ouranos and Gaia sat together in easy chairs and quilted. "Oh dear." Gaia whispered to her meek husband.

"I agree," agreed Ouranos, whose voice had softened and somehow risen by an octave, making him sound a bit girly. "Honey, you should have used that sickle from the very beginning; none of this would have happened."

She nodded tearfully, and patted his shoulder. "And Artemis. What will we do with her?"

"HI GRANDMA HI GRANDPA OH GAWD THERE WAS THIS STUPID GUY HITTING ON ME TODAY HE WAS SUCH A RETARD MOM WHY DO MEN SUCK SO MUCH GAWD I HATE THEM well Apollo's a pretty cool brother but whatever I'M GONNA GO WRESTLE A BOAR AND STAB IT WITH A KNIFE AND PUT CURSES ON BABIES AND WEAR FLANNEL AND SIGN ATHENA UP FOR SPAM FROM LINGERIE WEBSITES AND SHAVE MY HEAD AND DYE THE STUBBLE BLUE OR PURPLE OR SOMETHING AND THEN GO RACE IN THE WOODS SO TO SPEAK WITH THAT ATALANTA CHICK AND MURDER SOME HAPLESS HUNTERS IF THEY LOOK AT MY ASS! BYE GUYS."

Ouranos sighed. "She reminds me of when I was a little girl..."

There was a long, long silence, during which the Second Coming occurred and everybody died.

* * *

NO U.


End file.
